These days, it is not uncommon for men to enjoy ...

... conducting the odd culinary experiment in the kitchen (although sometimes we wish they wouldn’t), but it is fair to say that on the whole the preparation and serving of quality food is usually left to the womenfolk.  Come the summer months, however, as soon as the sun wearily battles its way through the clouds, gardens the length and breadth of the country are filled with the sounds of men joyfully preparing for one of the Great British summer rituals: the barbecue.  They love this yearly ritual and will not be easily deterred from performing it. It is easy to deduce what appeals so much to men about barbecues.  They involve:

1. enormous slabs of meat
2. fire and
3. copious amounts of beer.

Not to mention the chance to wear an amusing apron that makes him look like either a bodybuilder or a scantily clad woman, or one bearing a hilarious slogan, such as “Licensed to Grill.”

Another reason why men love to grill outdoors is all the paraphernalia that comes with it, such as giant utensils and various flammable, highly dangerous chemicals.  And the barbecue itself, of course.  In men’s minds, when it comes to barbecues, size really does matter.  You can get barbecues so enormous that they will take up the entire garden, leaving only a tiny square foot of grass free to accommodate your guests, who will have to huddle together to avoid the ten-foot high flames.

The world’s most expensive barbecue – made of course, Down Under, costs a cool £20,000.  In actual fact it is not a barbecue at all. Oh no, it is an “outdoor kitchen centre” and comes equipped with such necessities as a fridge, electric wine cooler and sink.  With a price tag like that, you would expect it to breed, rear, slaughter and prepare a herd of rare-breed cattle for your eating pleasure.

One of the most irritating things about men and barbecues it that they expect you to be grateful that you have been “given a break from doing the cooking”, even though of course, all they have done is burnt a few pieces of meat.  All the preparation and the cleaning up afterwards is left to the women, as the men, exhausted after their hard day’s labour, settle down on the sofa for a nice beer-soaked snooze.

A TYPICAL GREAT BRITISH BARBECUE

9am

Man stands at the window, anxiously looking for any rogue rain clouds that could ruin his moment of glory.

9.30am

Man decides it is safe to go ahead and wanders into garage to retrieve barbecue.  Woman drives to supermarket with shopping list to buy food.

10.30 am

Woman returns. No sign of man to help bring in shopping. No sign of barbecue.  Man still in garage, tinkering with half-built ham radio/reorganising toolbox/pointlessly hammering nails into wall.

11.00am

Woman finishes putting away shopping and gets to work chopping vegetables, making salad dressing, preparing dessert, marinating meat, unloading dishwasher and getting together the necessary glasses, plates and cutlery.  Man finally emerges from the garage with the barbecue, which has not been cleaned out since last outing and dumps ash on lawn.  No need to clear it up as “the wind will blow it away”.

11.30am

Barbecue is lit.  Leaping wall of flames. Woman calls fire brigade to warn them to be on standby.  Man satisfied with morning's work and has first beer of the day.

12.00pm

Guests begin to arrive. Women gather in kitchen to help with preparation.  Men stand around barbecue with beer.

12.30pm

Women bring out plates of meat.  Man puts meat on barbecue.

1.30pm

Meat suitably burnt. Man’s work is done. Cue much back–slapping. Time to eat. More beer.

2.30pm

Women begin clearing up proceedings. Men watch the footie.